Alternate Title: Look, Mr. Robertson! I Can Suspend Logic and Causality, too!
So, once is a coincidence blamed easily on something like Southern Decadence. Twice in three weeks? That is starting to look like a pattern. So- let me take the penis out of my mouth long enough to say that there is no gay flesh carnival going on in Houston. There is no undercurrent of voodoo and hedonism and general "shut the fuck up" morality that pervaded (and will pervade again) New Orleans.
As a result of this, I am going to get ahead of the issue and just say it: God hates Republicans. And he is punishing their fake Christianity by smashing them with killer hurricanes.
Someone has to be blamed; the Christianist machine has proven they have no problem with fallacious and hurtful characterizations of disasters and victims. So- I'm going to blame those people and the politics they've run in red states.
If Tom DeLay would just repent, maybe Sugarland won't be flattened, because it's becoming increasingly apparent to anyone living within the grace of Jesus that God is punishing people for voting Republican.
You see- it's really easily understood if you look at the facts. New York hasn't been hit by a hurricane in a very long time; neither has California or Michigan or any of the other traditional blue states. Louisiana, Mississippi, Alabama and Texas, however, are all full of red voters. Any coincidence that they are being hit by killer storms? I think not.
You see- I've been to church a couple of times, so I feel fully confident in speaking for the creator of all reality. I mean- He/She/It is apparently so tawdry as to talk through the mouth of Liberian diamond mine owners and guys who hire prostitutes and marry women with addictions to make-up, I figure I'm golden. The worst thing I do is have sex with people of the same gender. That's paddy cake compared to the moral transgressions of the leaders of the American Taliban.
With that rock solid assertion of authority (rooted as it is in self-justification and ad hominem attacks), I think you have no choice but to agree that the two past storms and all of their misery are easily reducible to the voting trends of the states they hit. It was clever of God to hit New Orleans first when Southern Decadence was coming along. Very clever indeed! But you see- you have to look for the Truth (with a capital T) and the Truth (with a capital T) is that God is wily and clever (and apparently blood thirsty and dishonorable as I seem to remember a covenant about destruction of the world by water and a certain guy named Noah). It's like one of those Russian dolls; you gotta pull off the deceptive big one to get to the gooey center of irrational assignment of blame to completely unrelated occurrences.
When He/She/It was putting the fossils into the ground to make us all think that dinosaurs existed when in fact there is no way that they could have existed and died and been fossilized in six days, He/She/It got the great idea of killing a bunch of poor black people because of gays, or so some would have you think. In Truth (with a capital T), though, I think that via my deep connection to God (I tithed!) I can confidently say that sodomy had nothing to do with either of these storms.
Really, God doesn't care who you fuck in the bedroom. But if you fuck the wrong person in the voting booth, He/She/It has got a hell of a storm lined up for your heathen ass (and everyone else in a 350 mile radius, apparently).
I think that we who live in the grace of God without exhibiting any such characteristic other than righteousness and a Democrat voting record should hold a day of prayer on Saturday. It's our duty to save these poor sick red voters from themselves. They're a staunch bunch, though. They will say that they don't choose that lifestyle, but that it comes from their natural inclinations. I say no one has ever found a red voting gene and that God gives them all a choice. They are choosing to offend the One on High, while ignoring his warnings. It is our duty as the Choosen Blue Voters to offer a day of atonement for the sins of our misguided red brethren.
Only through divine intervention will He/She/It Up There grant the Truth (with a capital T) to those blinded by the right. It is our duty and we must take over the government to make sure it happens.
P.S.- For all of you weenies who are like: "Oh no! How can God kill all of those people who -did- vote blue?" I would like to say two things:
First off- prove they voted blue! Only God knows; He/She/It capitalized Truth, for the love of Him/Her/It! Don't doubt God. Why do you hate my freedom?
Secondly- It's punishment for not doing this earlier. If only we had led the cause of Blue Righteousness earlier, this could have all been prevented. That is our cross to bear, so keep your head up or there's no resurrection for you, got it?